Me, A Musician?
Once upon a time little Vanessa Douglas sat down for a music lesson with one of her four aunts. She learned to play Mary Had A Little Lamb - promptly faked extreme fatigue and never took another music lesson again in her life. Apart from a few painful experiences learning the "C" chord on guitar - and forgetting it only to learn over again.

Singing, on the other hand, was another story. One of my mom's favorite things to do (it seemed) was shut off the music in the car when we kids were into a song & following along - only to kill the moment for us all (we'd cry "Stop mom!!!!") but she loved hearing our voices all singing the lyrics. She loved that we could ALL carry a tune.

Well, fast forward a bit, I never did much with music (since, alas, I never learned an instrument), but come along Jesus. In 2001 I meet the Savior, begin a downward spiral into alcohol abuse - only to come around again to a real salvation experience in 2007. Along this path, singing & gospel/worship music becomes a big part of my life. It's a way that I spend time with God, it's an avenue God uses in a BIG way to speak to this needy little heart of mine. Music cleanses my soul with the words of God, it lifts my spirit and draws me into worship time, healing time, hearing-time with the Lord. Oh I'm in and I'm in deep.

Now, I always wrote and created art. I didn't write songs, but I wrote poems. I made art, took photographs - but I didn't sing in front of anyone. A couple of times in North Carolina, I think I filled in. I had no idea how to harmonize or improvise. NO idea. I remember it had to be modeled for me and then I needed hand signals to keep up during the actual worship service. People liked my voice but no one in charge ever asked me to do anything up front. Which I was okay with... I couldn't read music, I didn't know how to play anything, I figured it was just as well. It seemed complicated and self conscious to be up there anyway, I supposed. I continued to love my time in praise and worship though...

Now, though not really a great part of worshiping - Karaoke really helped me realize I had a gift. Sounds funny, doesn't it?! I began to do Karaoke - sober, in fact. I could sing and keep up with my favorite (and most challenging song) is Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten. She's actually a pop singer who got started in Christian music at Hillsong London... Pretty cool. Anyway, belting that song, a couple people said I had actual talent. Well, so what? I was a school teacher. I still didn't know what I was doing.

Meanwhile in California Tobiah was getting his church going, praying for a female vocalist who could get involved with his church (and maybe, just maybe with him, if it all worked out ;) haha).

When we started talking, I told him I liked to sing - then one day after Karaoke with a bunch of friends I said, he was talking about how they needed a woman to sing and I said, "You know, I can sing. Let me find something to sing." So I put on "Unwritten" low in the background and sang the best I could over iChat/video conferencing... Anyway he was pleasantly surprised.

So here I am, untrained, I like Karaoke, I can't read music, I still feel like I'm just sort of a Karaoke wannabe. But, Tobiah's church needs people - and I love worship, so when six months later I MOVE to California- I start singing with the worship band (whatever motley bunch happens to be leading worship that week!).

Anyway... Long story short, I come in with a lot of "I don'ts"
I don't read sheet music (or chords, or keys...), I don't know how to tell what key a song is in, I don't know beats, I don't know most of the songs they play... I also can't sing soprano, which was sort of Tobiah's dream, I think. I'm sort of a mid-low female voice...

We start singing outdoors, playing music outside of Starbucks in Stevenson Ranch, CA on Thursday evenings... It's good vocal practice and I learn new songs. I wind up being involved in the worship team every Sunday service - I love it because I'm just worshipping and I don't mind being on a mic as I am singing and worshipping the Lord... Then, comes the Synth.

Tobiah has this giant keyboard, Korg Oasys. It's amazing. It can practically play itself. No, seriously. It's super crazy complicated to me - I never even tinkered with it.
Earlier this week, I hear Tobiah's on the phone with G, one of our worship leaders - and as they are discussing the direction the worship band is going in, he says "Vanessa could learn the synth, you know. Then she can play and sing."
"Well, sure maybe in two or three years, but in the meantime..."

I thought, wow, do I really even want to do that? Two or three years of "Mary Had A Little Lamb," or what?

Well, yesterday Tobiah says "Hey, let me teach you how to play the synth."
"I don't think I have the energy, actually," I'm already pulling my faked-fatigue card!
"No really - it'll be easy I promise." Well, he was serious!

Two hours later, I was playing a very slow, but pretty accurate, worship song we sing at church.

I could sing while I played too - incredible (to me).
I was pretty much blown away. Tobiah taught me the very very basics (C-scale) and started me on a song as soon as I could try it out. Something about how he showed me made it really crazy simple, and though my actual technique is totally beginner level - I'm learning! Wow. I always thought I'd learn guitar or I wouldn't learn anything - piano was beyond me. But it's so amazingly fun. Tonight I fiddled with these ways of playing so that my playing would trigger a more full-sounding "band" sound in the background, and I found one of my favorite singers had a pretty slow song I could learn (Misty Edwards, I am Yours)

Aside from having no idea how to play a Bm (just didn't remember - B was the last chord I learned....), I was sitting there figuring it out... If only TObiah had been around to help me with the B-minor! But I skipped it for now, and got the hang of the OTHER chords and played on... So much joy in this new endeavor. Tobiah said it himself - "I'll just load your gun." I didn't realize how into it I would get! So, thats my story. Full circle. I'm playing the synth now.

All Saints Christmas Ball

Today was just beautiful outside, warm and crisp-clear, blue skies. Tobiah and I met up to go to an 12-step meeting geared for people who have dysfunctional families, then had lunch with his mom and another member of the fellowship. The meetings are really cleansing and supportive, I think it's the 12-step program that I identify with the most, it's very healing and I've only been to a handful of meetings.

Later, I got my makeup on and did my hair while he lounged in my room showing my roommates' kids how to play Chess, and beat them at Wii table tennis, etc. We went on to the All Saints Christmas Ball, a party for the Episcopal Christmas-which is the same celebration & holiday, but about 10 days after the regular Gregorian-Calendar Christmas. Father Rich, of All Saints hadn't seen us since we began talking about our marriage ideas, so Tobiah mentioned them to him - and he was really happy for us! The funny thing though, is we get "congratulations" lately but Tobiah's waiting to do the ASKING in Israel, too. There's not really anywhere in the USA he wants to do such a memorable thing, apparently.I'm fine with that, but it has made it a bit funny seeming, getting congratulated on our engagement then being asked "So where's the ring?" and so on. Yet, we have a general time and place! But we're thinking we'll get enough money together to go there, find clothes, find our locations (we're thinking of making some important sites from Jesus' lifetime part of our procession and walking through the city before saying "I do.") Only us, seriously. Only we would have our wedding plans before the proposal, have everything up in the air and not even be inviting anyone to be there!

Tonight, after hearing about what is basically our engagement, Father Rich began making a special announcement (unplanned), to bless us in our engagement- Tobiah had just stepped out to check messages he'd recieved from people he ministers to. Fittingly enough, I ran outside to get his attention and bring him back in. We were blessed by Father Rich and had two rounds of applause altogether, since T missed the first one outside on the telephone. It was really sweet and special and unexpected but totally right. I loved it. We danced a few times, too - which was fun and very sweet. Tobiah and I staring into one anothers eyes or dancing cheek-to-cheek, very classic-movie-style (well as best as we could do, anyway).

While we were dancing to a slow one, Tobiah looked at me and said "You're the Belle of the Ball, all eyes are on you." I could feel I had that can't-help-how-wide-I'm-smiling grin growing and growing. I just began feeling the exitement of this life growing and forming between us. Surely it won't be easy, but worthwhile? Blessed? Adventurous? Yes.

I think as of the last few days, it's really sinking in that we're moving forward into marriage- and it's also like, we're finally just beginning to enjoy the fact that basically, we're engaged to one another - formalities (like asking), aside, since he wants to pop THE QUESTION somewhere in the Holy Land, but here we are... we're getting excited, we're feeling the joy, we're beginning to enjoy this VERY brief time we have as an engaged couple. We're both feeling that way- like it's so very right, but it's something we're just beginning to "savor." Two people tonight pointed that out too- "Enjoy this time, it will go by SO quickly," they said in an offer of advice.

Now, tonight there was a raffle for different prizes and our table made out big time. Stevie really wanted an icon print of Mary and Jesus that Father Rich donated. Tobiah was the second person who won the raffle and he chose it for her. Tobiah won AGAIN and gave me the Ethiopian cross Father Rich also contributed- on top of it he won a set of Dead Sea lotions (like a manisure kit), and I won him a box of potpourri (which he actually wanted! lol). Along the way, though, we had a new idea about rings.

Before, we thought we'd even buy our rings in Israel, do it ALL when we got there- but when I won the cross (a metal, rustic-looking Coptic cross...) Tobiah's stepdad Rich pointed out that Father Rich is a metalsmith, he makes jewelry, rings, crosses and so forth. We should ask him to make us wedding rings. So, we ran it by him and he said he could. We've asked him to design rings for us, he suggested rings with symbols of our faith, perhaps with Hebrew and Greek incorporated. I love the idea that someone so special and dear to both of us, and whose known Tobiah for so long, could be part of creating the symbols of our comittment to one another, our wedding bands.

The only weird thing for me is just how excited I'm growing, and how out of touch I am with my family about this whole new part of my life. I wish they could experience what things were like for me. I wish they could sense the confirmation and affirming presence God has been, guiding and inspiring us as we walk forward with one another in relationship, in worship, in ministry. I'm sure somehow we'll be able to share some sense of that, eventually, I just wish I could catch them up somehow!

God is doing something new among us both, that is bringing us together into one life. How awesome.

Ventura

Yesterday evening I watched a double-feature with Tobiah, including the films "Word Play" and "The Secret of Roan Inish," and cooked a yummy veggie-n-brown-rice-spaghetti dinner. We we're totally fascinated with "Word Play" considering neither one of us has really ever even tried to solve the New York Times Crossword- Let alone compete to do it in under 5 minutes (this 20 yr old in the film can do it in aproximately 2 minutes). We couldn't even keep up with reading the clues let alone answering them.

Next we watched a film set in Ireland, Roan Inish was basically about a little girl whose family is falling apart around her, who is sort of saved by folk tales related to her family, past and present. It was rather strange, sort of beutiful too. I did enjoy it but some twists were pushing it :) You really have to use your imagination.

I was doing laundry all day and depositing it on my bed, unfortunately though the family and my roommate went to bed- and I still had to do a couple of things in my room. I've been making a lot of small "tweaks" to how I get ready for bed at night so I imact the family as little as possible - I get ready on the other side of the house, don't play any sounds, go to the bathroom or anything near my bedroom/bathroom. My room is directly next to my roommates, so it's difficult because she's a light sleeper & leaves the door open all the time. So... Here I am, clearing the bed of laundry, dropping off towels in the bathroom, and I finally go to plug in the heater on the wall we both share - and somethings sort of bump into the wall making LOUD ENOUGH of a noise that I know it probably woke her (since sighing too hard could probably rouse her from her deepest sleep). I didn't expect her to storm my room though, very very angry and not quite dressed, I am startled. Despite the changes I've made she claims I'm doing this all the time - that I'm not sorry (though I say I am), and that nothing has changed. I'm startled, a little overwhelmed for a few moments when she leaves- to grumble more about me in the other room.

Well, I write a little bit, pray a bit, straighten out my own head and go to bed. This morning I wake to my dog, C.O.D. aka. Sioti, or "Cutest Chihuahua on Earth" as I think of her, is coughing like she's got a mission to accomplish. I'm worried. Yesterday she coughed and threw up and seemed sort of sick all morning... I gave her antacids ground up in her food and fed her pasta, you know, like what you'd do when you feel nauseous, except for a dog. She cleared up- till this morning that is. So I do what we all would do - immediately google away.

Well, people are giving me do's and don'ts and "don't get ripped off at the vet" and saying it's curable at home- but how do I know if she's severe or not? I thought the childrens' cough-syrup idea made some sense, but as I was headed out to Tobiah's on the way I saw the TAGS vaccine clinic was open and the doctor there is really knowledgeable and kind. I went in, walked up and he saw me right away.

I found out Kennel Cough can be trasmitted super easy at the dog park. Now, I wish I had it on video what it took for two grown men to hold my Chihuahua's head still enough to shove a couple drops of KC vaccine into it, it was quite a production. One man had her head in two of his hands, the other poked a little plasic vial of vaccine up her nose and squirted- it only mattered if a little got in. She had her front paws in some sort of vise grip around the vets arm. Meanwhile he's telling me that I can do this myself at home 3 times a year, you know, no big deal. Bah!

Anyway, onward; I go to pick up Tobiah and his surfing gear. We head to Ventura beach... the tide was changing and he geared up and went out - the temperature dropped from 71 degrees in Santa Clarita to 55 in Ventura, so I was bundled and freezing, huddling under a blanket, hoodie, undershirt, long skirt & Tobiah's sweats borrowed as a bottom layer! I actually caught all of the 3 waves he rode, or sunk into, and napped for a good hour to boot. Sioti cuddled next to me, she had a blast, she had an extra spring in her step out on the beach, gallopping, leaping over rocks & driftwood and thoroughly enjoying herself.

There's more to the day but I'm ready to sleep. Overall it was really nice, Tobiah and I have been having really interesting, even prophetic dreams lately, which I intended to write about, but anyhow, it can wait till tomorrow! Blessings.

Happy 2009 !

Tonight a trio of us went to the ... lemme see if I can get this right, ACYPAA, 2009 New Years Eve dance/event. It was all right, it was down in Orange County. I could see it being fun if they took into consideration some other people may... there's just a slight chance that some people's idea of a good evening is not listening to back to back hip-hop for three hours, with nothing to do but breathe second hand smoke in the next (freezing) outdoor-room... with the same music thumping in the background.

I thought if they just had a marathon meeting going on or SOMETHING else to do, even outside, wow, it would have been a lot better. We had fun though, Mike, Tobiah and I brought C.O.D. too, who was probably the coolest one there :) Nevertheless, we met people, Mike left with a girl asking his phone number and at least AFTER midnight they began to play some dance/electronica music.

I do have to say... I had a good time spending the evening with Mike & Tobiah, and realize more each day how blessed I am to know this guy. Tobiah and I hung out most of the night, chatting, around 11:50 the music began to get better - so we began dancing/dancing with each other, and it was just really fun. They even played as song he spins at church, called "House of God." At midnight, not only did it turn 2009, but it is now officially his 13th year of being sober, which means he's really excited. It's his "Sober Bar Mitzfah," we joke. But man, we had fun! We danced, flirted a little, and got to kiss at midnight. We registered for the upcoming Young Peoples convention in March, too.

So, at the AA meeting we went to earlier tonight I had a chance to share, briefly, where I'm at. I realized after writing earlier, and just sort of mentally reviewing some of the things God's driving home for me... I want 2009 to be the year I don't PLAN, manage, try to figure it out, and let it be the year I do the next indicated thing, the year I take direction, the year I go with the flow, the year I live each moment and stop worrying, thinking, fretting, stressing, about the unknow - one moment at a time. The year I don't try to figure it all out. The year I trust.

So here's to that! The year of not planning. Cheers!

New Years Eve-Day

This past weekend I taught at church about "New Years Commitments" (vs. resolutions), and discovered an interesting insight into the language of the two ideas... A resolution is simply a decision to do or not to do something. A commitment is when you unreservedly devote yourself to something/someone, and so on. Who or what is truly worthy of unreserved devotion but Jesus Christ? The one who is all-loving, all-powerful, all-mighty to save, full of grace, power, might, trustworthy with our hearts and lives from yesterday, today and forevermore? Who is unchanging, who is our bridegroom (if "we" are the bride of Christ), the body, the one to whom the cloud of witnesses attest to? What cause is better than that of Christs? Of what higher calling can my life be committed to?

Well, I can't think of one, beyond Christ, that would be more solid. So, a commitment stemming from love and devotion in Christ is the kind of commitment I am making... I have to take my own message to heart, because I lost sight of it.

I'm in a different position than I have ever been in, in my entire life. I know that the only way to walk in the good works God has prepared for me is to trust in Him and do the next indicated thing - and not to over-think any of it or my own over-analysis will paralyze me like it has so many times before.

These gifts of art, writing, ministry into God's word, are surely coming together. Love has also come to me in the form of a relationship with a complex, big hearted and very creative, devoted, Spirit-filled man of God, who has waited a very long time for me to come along... and has devoted his life to serving the Lord and living surrendered to God for everything that comes to him. He's been living a basically monastic single life for over a decade. I love him because he's so devoted to Jesus, he's an artist who uses his gifts in service to the church and to the Gospel... and we share so many common interests and passions... plus, we love one another... and for the most part, we really enjoy "doing life" together. We have somethings to learn and grow in, but we see how it seems God has really brought us together for one another and for His kingdom.

I have to say, I do wonder about the future and how it will all come together. But lately when I start to think - I try to remember what Tobiah's dad says, "There used to be a bumper sticker that said 'It's OK not to drink" well, I want to create a new one, 'It's OK not to think." Amen. The problem might not be such a big deal for "normies" who don't get hooked on overdoing something that's harmless in small doses. For those of us who can't stop at one thought, one drink, one chocolate, etc. - thinking is often one of those foundational problems, it seems. Over-thinking, thinking the wrong thing to begin with... thinking is jus a bad idea a lot of the time. Someone who doesn't 'get it' just wouldn't really grasp how NOT thinking is really GOOD for some people!

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
I have been young, and now I am old, but I have never seen a righteous person abandoned or his descendants begging for food.

Those thoughts, from God's word, seriously comforts me, where to my conditioned-mind, it seems outrageous to truly DEPEND on God, like a father, because He IS my Father, to ACT like my father. What? You mean, I won't be begging and starving and hopeless?

All over the bible is the direction: DO NOT WORRY! One of my favorite chapters of the Holy Scriptures- Matthew 6 says...

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

*deep breath of relief* if I remember these things, I am fine. If I don't, I really begin to lose it!

The ONE downer is that I can't keep my dog with me for a while, because Tobiah lives at his mom's old place, and her antiques and furniture and such is in the house - and she is allergic to dogs, and runs an little eBay business there and so on, uses the computer, etc. So for a while I'll have to bring my dog back East to live with my family, which in the long run is really okay, but hit me kind of hard because since I moved here, my little dogs have been a MAJOR stabilizer and comfort for me... Their affection and unconditional love has been really nice ot have - but I need to rely on God for that and focus on growing in different ways I guess. God has the best plan, after all, mine is really insignificant compared to His!!! Also - I think if my family can take little COD she'll really bless them - she's so loving and sweet and loyal and obedient! She's like therapy wrapped up in a little Chihuahua-body!

So... Yeah... We're talking about marriage at this point and dreaming about where and how and when we're going to walk forward into this life together, as husband and wife. I mean, that is pretty far-out- We're talking about Israel in the spring, maybe even around Passover ("Next year in Jerusalem, as they say") - we're thinking this coming spring of 2009. What we want to do is get married in Jerusalem and then celebrate with reception-parties on both coasts - since his family is in Los Angeles and most of mine is back East - I can have the backyard-wedding-bash I always wanted, maybe around my birthday in the summer, since June is so nice in New Jersey. Then we can just fire up the barbeque and get together friends & family and all I really want is good food and music for dancing :) All the people who've known Tobiah as he's grown up and waited patiently, can celebrate us finding one another! I wonder if I could get Songs of Water to come play at the party, than that would be ABSOLUTE perfection, in my book!!!

Douglas Family Christmas

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I Quit Caffeine: 12/26/08

I read this quote from Brain Connections... as I was trying to understand caffeine's effect on my body... deciding whether it's really time to quit it altogether or not... as I gear up to do some "house cleaning" or "temple cleaning" as it might be...

It probably won't come as a surprise, then, to discover that the human body indeed responds to caffeine as it would a poison—very similarly, in fact, to the manner in which it responds to alcohol. Liver enzymes are called on to assail the caffeine molecules and break them down as quickly as possible.

Reading one of my favorite websites on fasting, Freedom You, I came across a quote that really made me feel more resolute that caffeine must go next... God wants me to be free of addictions and poisons! I'm not helping the process much if I intentionally drink them up! Ugh. Must I be a saint? Well, I suppose I want to do my best, I don't think God will be too displeased if I fail, He loves me too much :) But I want to feel better, have more energy, and eat good food that helps me and doesn't hurt me... so when I read this, I was like, seriously, monkeys know better than I do what's good to eat and what's not? My dog certainly doesn't have such discernment. She would have eaten the whole Christmas ham if given half a chance :)

Monkeys are sensitive creatures. During the Boer War, the enemies of the British often poisoned their food supplies. Soldiers used monkeys to test the food. They chose what to eat by holding the food to their lower jaw and if the food was poisoned, the monkey would throw it away. A natural health practitioner, fascinated by the account, decided to test baboons to see if they had a similar ability. An apple was injected with strong coffee by a hypodermic needle. Two apples were given, the untouched apple was eaten hungrily by one baboon, a second baboon received the injected apple. He held it to his jaw, let out an angry screeching sound then tried to attack the experimenter. When he was given a good apple he went off to the corner and ate happily.

Christmas Craziness

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