Lost.

A couple of weeks ago my brother called me, clearly upset. Within hours after we hashed out our conversation about the disintegrating relationships around him - bad got worse. He came home to study for his math exam to find the family dog (the one he spends the most time with, trains, plays with...) gone. No one knew what happened. It was raining. He went out in the rain, crying her name and trying to find her alone.

Hours later she came in the house through an open door, wet, scraped up, looking as if she'd been caught in something on her back legs. What had precipitated her disappearance was an argument between my brother and mother. The arguing upset her and when she had a chance - she took off scared.

That story had a happy ending.

Thursday morning, part of my preparations for leaving to NYC was to find my dog a safe place to stay for the duration of my trip. My roommate couldn't keep her, my boyfriend couldn't due to his moms' allergies, but his brother agreed to take her in for a nominal fee.

I'm not used to the keen amount of sarcasm that flies between my boyfriends siblings. It doesn't insult as much as confuse me lately. When Tobiah began to explain the need for his brother to crate my very anxious (apart from me she freaks out) little lady chihuahua, he cracked a joke like "You asked me to watch your dog, that's cool - you didn't tell me it was psycho." I got worried. He reassured me it was fine though. It was a joke.

We spent a couple hours there. My dog wouldn't lead my side. I finally got a girl visiting for the evening to feed my dog, Talia, treats until I could make an subtle exit... Then Tobiah, my boyfriend followed moments later. Talia didn't bark of freak out that night.

However, when this guy who was crashing there for the night left for the post office the next day- Talia was loose in the apartment. When Talia found the screen where the electricity was being stolen from the landlords air-conditioning jack - she took off.

I learned all this moments after arriving from my 6 hour flight to JFK in Brooklyn. Stepping into the new Terminal 5 for Jetblue I stopped on a svelte metallic stairway divider and called the animal shelter I had a number for - asking to be connected to the nearest facility near West Hollywood. It's called Carson. I filled a report with a super uninterested-sounding girl... feeling just how regretful and out of control the sadness inside me was. Here I am working on detachment and trusting God and I see its' so clearly out of my hands at this point - but I continued regretting, resenting and bashing myself for the rest of the evening. My gut told me "Take her with you, go home WITH her!" but I rationalized the expense. I could go back for another visit with the money it'd cost to bring her with me!

12/6/08 after checking the LA County animal shelter website every couple of hours for lost/found pet updates, it's there. Chihuahua, 2 years old, Carson shelter. I call immediately. What color is she? Did she have a color? No tags, no microchip. Very aggressive and seems afraid. Sounds like my dog. I see visions of her many attempts to attack mens sneakers, her protective devotion to me and her nervousness around people she doesn't know.

I'm relieved even though I actually don't know if it's her. I call my bofyriend to tell the former dog-sitter to watch her. Can't do anything yet, no proof that she's our dog - the proof is stuck in my digital camera and in the vaccination records I have for her with my address on them... Thankfully my mailing address is the same as my boyfriends though I don't live there... It may make things simpler...

The deep sadness I was feeling lifts, just at the possibility, though not definite. Tobiah calls the shelter. He says it sounds like her, scared, aggressive. Judah calls, says the same thing. Her nose turns up, like Talias. No picture... means she's injured or dead. No more information can be released without proof she's ours.

I sit here with my family's beagle/terrier (pictured above) snuggled in my lap. Missing my dog and hoping she's alive and safe. This has been way harder than I ever though it would be!