All Saints Christmas Ball

Today was just beautiful outside, warm and crisp-clear, blue skies. Tobiah and I met up to go to an 12-step meeting geared for people who have dysfunctional families, then had lunch with his mom and another member of the fellowship. The meetings are really cleansing and supportive, I think it's the 12-step program that I identify with the most, it's very healing and I've only been to a handful of meetings.

Later, I got my makeup on and did my hair while he lounged in my room showing my roommates' kids how to play Chess, and beat them at Wii table tennis, etc. We went on to the All Saints Christmas Ball, a party for the Episcopal Christmas-which is the same celebration & holiday, but about 10 days after the regular Gregorian-Calendar Christmas. Father Rich, of All Saints hadn't seen us since we began talking about our marriage ideas, so Tobiah mentioned them to him - and he was really happy for us! The funny thing though, is we get "congratulations" lately but Tobiah's waiting to do the ASKING in Israel, too. There's not really anywhere in the USA he wants to do such a memorable thing, apparently.I'm fine with that, but it has made it a bit funny seeming, getting congratulated on our engagement then being asked "So where's the ring?" and so on. Yet, we have a general time and place! But we're thinking we'll get enough money together to go there, find clothes, find our locations (we're thinking of making some important sites from Jesus' lifetime part of our procession and walking through the city before saying "I do.") Only us, seriously. Only we would have our wedding plans before the proposal, have everything up in the air and not even be inviting anyone to be there!

Tonight, after hearing about what is basically our engagement, Father Rich began making a special announcement (unplanned), to bless us in our engagement- Tobiah had just stepped out to check messages he'd recieved from people he ministers to. Fittingly enough, I ran outside to get his attention and bring him back in. We were blessed by Father Rich and had two rounds of applause altogether, since T missed the first one outside on the telephone. It was really sweet and special and unexpected but totally right. I loved it. We danced a few times, too - which was fun and very sweet. Tobiah and I staring into one anothers eyes or dancing cheek-to-cheek, very classic-movie-style (well as best as we could do, anyway).

While we were dancing to a slow one, Tobiah looked at me and said "You're the Belle of the Ball, all eyes are on you." I could feel I had that can't-help-how-wide-I'm-smiling grin growing and growing. I just began feeling the exitement of this life growing and forming between us. Surely it won't be easy, but worthwhile? Blessed? Adventurous? Yes.

I think as of the last few days, it's really sinking in that we're moving forward into marriage- and it's also like, we're finally just beginning to enjoy the fact that basically, we're engaged to one another - formalities (like asking), aside, since he wants to pop THE QUESTION somewhere in the Holy Land, but here we are... we're getting excited, we're feeling the joy, we're beginning to enjoy this VERY brief time we have as an engaged couple. We're both feeling that way- like it's so very right, but it's something we're just beginning to "savor." Two people tonight pointed that out too- "Enjoy this time, it will go by SO quickly," they said in an offer of advice.

Now, tonight there was a raffle for different prizes and our table made out big time. Stevie really wanted an icon print of Mary and Jesus that Father Rich donated. Tobiah was the second person who won the raffle and he chose it for her. Tobiah won AGAIN and gave me the Ethiopian cross Father Rich also contributed- on top of it he won a set of Dead Sea lotions (like a manisure kit), and I won him a box of potpourri (which he actually wanted! lol). Along the way, though, we had a new idea about rings.

Before, we thought we'd even buy our rings in Israel, do it ALL when we got there- but when I won the cross (a metal, rustic-looking Coptic cross...) Tobiah's stepdad Rich pointed out that Father Rich is a metalsmith, he makes jewelry, rings, crosses and so forth. We should ask him to make us wedding rings. So, we ran it by him and he said he could. We've asked him to design rings for us, he suggested rings with symbols of our faith, perhaps with Hebrew and Greek incorporated. I love the idea that someone so special and dear to both of us, and whose known Tobiah for so long, could be part of creating the symbols of our comittment to one another, our wedding bands.

The only weird thing for me is just how excited I'm growing, and how out of touch I am with my family about this whole new part of my life. I wish they could experience what things were like for me. I wish they could sense the confirmation and affirming presence God has been, guiding and inspiring us as we walk forward with one another in relationship, in worship, in ministry. I'm sure somehow we'll be able to share some sense of that, eventually, I just wish I could catch them up somehow!

God is doing something new among us both, that is bringing us together into one life. How awesome.

Ventura

Yesterday evening I watched a double-feature with Tobiah, including the films "Word Play" and "The Secret of Roan Inish," and cooked a yummy veggie-n-brown-rice-spaghetti dinner. We we're totally fascinated with "Word Play" considering neither one of us has really ever even tried to solve the New York Times Crossword- Let alone compete to do it in under 5 minutes (this 20 yr old in the film can do it in aproximately 2 minutes). We couldn't even keep up with reading the clues let alone answering them.

Next we watched a film set in Ireland, Roan Inish was basically about a little girl whose family is falling apart around her, who is sort of saved by folk tales related to her family, past and present. It was rather strange, sort of beutiful too. I did enjoy it but some twists were pushing it :) You really have to use your imagination.

I was doing laundry all day and depositing it on my bed, unfortunately though the family and my roommate went to bed- and I still had to do a couple of things in my room. I've been making a lot of small "tweaks" to how I get ready for bed at night so I imact the family as little as possible - I get ready on the other side of the house, don't play any sounds, go to the bathroom or anything near my bedroom/bathroom. My room is directly next to my roommates, so it's difficult because she's a light sleeper & leaves the door open all the time. So... Here I am, clearing the bed of laundry, dropping off towels in the bathroom, and I finally go to plug in the heater on the wall we both share - and somethings sort of bump into the wall making LOUD ENOUGH of a noise that I know it probably woke her (since sighing too hard could probably rouse her from her deepest sleep). I didn't expect her to storm my room though, very very angry and not quite dressed, I am startled. Despite the changes I've made she claims I'm doing this all the time - that I'm not sorry (though I say I am), and that nothing has changed. I'm startled, a little overwhelmed for a few moments when she leaves- to grumble more about me in the other room.

Well, I write a little bit, pray a bit, straighten out my own head and go to bed. This morning I wake to my dog, C.O.D. aka. Sioti, or "Cutest Chihuahua on Earth" as I think of her, is coughing like she's got a mission to accomplish. I'm worried. Yesterday she coughed and threw up and seemed sort of sick all morning... I gave her antacids ground up in her food and fed her pasta, you know, like what you'd do when you feel nauseous, except for a dog. She cleared up- till this morning that is. So I do what we all would do - immediately google away.

Well, people are giving me do's and don'ts and "don't get ripped off at the vet" and saying it's curable at home- but how do I know if she's severe or not? I thought the childrens' cough-syrup idea made some sense, but as I was headed out to Tobiah's on the way I saw the TAGS vaccine clinic was open and the doctor there is really knowledgeable and kind. I went in, walked up and he saw me right away.

I found out Kennel Cough can be trasmitted super easy at the dog park. Now, I wish I had it on video what it took for two grown men to hold my Chihuahua's head still enough to shove a couple drops of KC vaccine into it, it was quite a production. One man had her head in two of his hands, the other poked a little plasic vial of vaccine up her nose and squirted- it only mattered if a little got in. She had her front paws in some sort of vise grip around the vets arm. Meanwhile he's telling me that I can do this myself at home 3 times a year, you know, no big deal. Bah!

Anyway, onward; I go to pick up Tobiah and his surfing gear. We head to Ventura beach... the tide was changing and he geared up and went out - the temperature dropped from 71 degrees in Santa Clarita to 55 in Ventura, so I was bundled and freezing, huddling under a blanket, hoodie, undershirt, long skirt & Tobiah's sweats borrowed as a bottom layer! I actually caught all of the 3 waves he rode, or sunk into, and napped for a good hour to boot. Sioti cuddled next to me, she had a blast, she had an extra spring in her step out on the beach, gallopping, leaping over rocks & driftwood and thoroughly enjoying herself.

There's more to the day but I'm ready to sleep. Overall it was really nice, Tobiah and I have been having really interesting, even prophetic dreams lately, which I intended to write about, but anyhow, it can wait till tomorrow! Blessings.

Happy 2009 !

Tonight a trio of us went to the ... lemme see if I can get this right, ACYPAA, 2009 New Years Eve dance/event. It was all right, it was down in Orange County. I could see it being fun if they took into consideration some other people may... there's just a slight chance that some people's idea of a good evening is not listening to back to back hip-hop for three hours, with nothing to do but breathe second hand smoke in the next (freezing) outdoor-room... with the same music thumping in the background.

I thought if they just had a marathon meeting going on or SOMETHING else to do, even outside, wow, it would have been a lot better. We had fun though, Mike, Tobiah and I brought C.O.D. too, who was probably the coolest one there :) Nevertheless, we met people, Mike left with a girl asking his phone number and at least AFTER midnight they began to play some dance/electronica music.

I do have to say... I had a good time spending the evening with Mike & Tobiah, and realize more each day how blessed I am to know this guy. Tobiah and I hung out most of the night, chatting, around 11:50 the music began to get better - so we began dancing/dancing with each other, and it was just really fun. They even played as song he spins at church, called "House of God." At midnight, not only did it turn 2009, but it is now officially his 13th year of being sober, which means he's really excited. It's his "Sober Bar Mitzfah," we joke. But man, we had fun! We danced, flirted a little, and got to kiss at midnight. We registered for the upcoming Young Peoples convention in March, too.

So, at the AA meeting we went to earlier tonight I had a chance to share, briefly, where I'm at. I realized after writing earlier, and just sort of mentally reviewing some of the things God's driving home for me... I want 2009 to be the year I don't PLAN, manage, try to figure it out, and let it be the year I do the next indicated thing, the year I take direction, the year I go with the flow, the year I live each moment and stop worrying, thinking, fretting, stressing, about the unknow - one moment at a time. The year I don't try to figure it all out. The year I trust.

So here's to that! The year of not planning. Cheers!

New Years Eve-Day

This past weekend I taught at church about "New Years Commitments" (vs. resolutions), and discovered an interesting insight into the language of the two ideas... A resolution is simply a decision to do or not to do something. A commitment is when you unreservedly devote yourself to something/someone, and so on. Who or what is truly worthy of unreserved devotion but Jesus Christ? The one who is all-loving, all-powerful, all-mighty to save, full of grace, power, might, trustworthy with our hearts and lives from yesterday, today and forevermore? Who is unchanging, who is our bridegroom (if "we" are the bride of Christ), the body, the one to whom the cloud of witnesses attest to? What cause is better than that of Christs? Of what higher calling can my life be committed to?

Well, I can't think of one, beyond Christ, that would be more solid. So, a commitment stemming from love and devotion in Christ is the kind of commitment I am making... I have to take my own message to heart, because I lost sight of it.

I'm in a different position than I have ever been in, in my entire life. I know that the only way to walk in the good works God has prepared for me is to trust in Him and do the next indicated thing - and not to over-think any of it or my own over-analysis will paralyze me like it has so many times before.

These gifts of art, writing, ministry into God's word, are surely coming together. Love has also come to me in the form of a relationship with a complex, big hearted and very creative, devoted, Spirit-filled man of God, who has waited a very long time for me to come along... and has devoted his life to serving the Lord and living surrendered to God for everything that comes to him. He's been living a basically monastic single life for over a decade. I love him because he's so devoted to Jesus, he's an artist who uses his gifts in service to the church and to the Gospel... and we share so many common interests and passions... plus, we love one another... and for the most part, we really enjoy "doing life" together. We have somethings to learn and grow in, but we see how it seems God has really brought us together for one another and for His kingdom.

I have to say, I do wonder about the future and how it will all come together. But lately when I start to think - I try to remember what Tobiah's dad says, "There used to be a bumper sticker that said 'It's OK not to drink" well, I want to create a new one, 'It's OK not to think." Amen. The problem might not be such a big deal for "normies" who don't get hooked on overdoing something that's harmless in small doses. For those of us who can't stop at one thought, one drink, one chocolate, etc. - thinking is often one of those foundational problems, it seems. Over-thinking, thinking the wrong thing to begin with... thinking is jus a bad idea a lot of the time. Someone who doesn't 'get it' just wouldn't really grasp how NOT thinking is really GOOD for some people!

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
I have been young, and now I am old, but I have never seen a righteous person abandoned or his descendants begging for food.

Those thoughts, from God's word, seriously comforts me, where to my conditioned-mind, it seems outrageous to truly DEPEND on God, like a father, because He IS my Father, to ACT like my father. What? You mean, I won't be begging and starving and hopeless?

All over the bible is the direction: DO NOT WORRY! One of my favorite chapters of the Holy Scriptures- Matthew 6 says...

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

*deep breath of relief* if I remember these things, I am fine. If I don't, I really begin to lose it!

The ONE downer is that I can't keep my dog with me for a while, because Tobiah lives at his mom's old place, and her antiques and furniture and such is in the house - and she is allergic to dogs, and runs an little eBay business there and so on, uses the computer, etc. So for a while I'll have to bring my dog back East to live with my family, which in the long run is really okay, but hit me kind of hard because since I moved here, my little dogs have been a MAJOR stabilizer and comfort for me... Their affection and unconditional love has been really nice ot have - but I need to rely on God for that and focus on growing in different ways I guess. God has the best plan, after all, mine is really insignificant compared to His!!! Also - I think if my family can take little COD she'll really bless them - she's so loving and sweet and loyal and obedient! She's like therapy wrapped up in a little Chihuahua-body!

So... Yeah... We're talking about marriage at this point and dreaming about where and how and when we're going to walk forward into this life together, as husband and wife. I mean, that is pretty far-out- We're talking about Israel in the spring, maybe even around Passover ("Next year in Jerusalem, as they say") - we're thinking this coming spring of 2009. What we want to do is get married in Jerusalem and then celebrate with reception-parties on both coasts - since his family is in Los Angeles and most of mine is back East - I can have the backyard-wedding-bash I always wanted, maybe around my birthday in the summer, since June is so nice in New Jersey. Then we can just fire up the barbeque and get together friends & family and all I really want is good food and music for dancing :) All the people who've known Tobiah as he's grown up and waited patiently, can celebrate us finding one another! I wonder if I could get Songs of Water to come play at the party, than that would be ABSOLUTE perfection, in my book!!!

Douglas Family Christmas

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I Quit Caffeine: 12/26/08

I read this quote from Brain Connections... as I was trying to understand caffeine's effect on my body... deciding whether it's really time to quit it altogether or not... as I gear up to do some "house cleaning" or "temple cleaning" as it might be...

It probably won't come as a surprise, then, to discover that the human body indeed responds to caffeine as it would a poison—very similarly, in fact, to the manner in which it responds to alcohol. Liver enzymes are called on to assail the caffeine molecules and break them down as quickly as possible.

Reading one of my favorite websites on fasting, Freedom You, I came across a quote that really made me feel more resolute that caffeine must go next... God wants me to be free of addictions and poisons! I'm not helping the process much if I intentionally drink them up! Ugh. Must I be a saint? Well, I suppose I want to do my best, I don't think God will be too displeased if I fail, He loves me too much :) But I want to feel better, have more energy, and eat good food that helps me and doesn't hurt me... so when I read this, I was like, seriously, monkeys know better than I do what's good to eat and what's not? My dog certainly doesn't have such discernment. She would have eaten the whole Christmas ham if given half a chance :)

Monkeys are sensitive creatures. During the Boer War, the enemies of the British often poisoned their food supplies. Soldiers used monkeys to test the food. They chose what to eat by holding the food to their lower jaw and if the food was poisoned, the monkey would throw it away. A natural health practitioner, fascinated by the account, decided to test baboons to see if they had a similar ability. An apple was injected with strong coffee by a hypodermic needle. Two apples were given, the untouched apple was eaten hungrily by one baboon, a second baboon received the injected apple. He held it to his jaw, let out an angry screeching sound then tried to attack the experimenter. When he was given a good apple he went off to the corner and ate happily.

Christmas Craziness

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Israel.
I periodically make small investigations online into what's happening in Israel, what's happening with Aaliyah... I've visited there three times now and always yearned to stay, as crazy as that is. One friend of mine seemed to get it, when I explained the PULL that Israel has on my heart. Despite the distance, despite the news, being there is electric. Being there is incredible. Being there and being Jewish is such an intense and amazing experience, in a country that is complex and quite central to the story of God, it's not a big surprise that it brings up a passion in people one way or the other... Personally, there's something in the air, the land, the water, the PEOPLE that gets in your lungs, on your skin, into your dreams. I dream of returning and staying and being a light in the darkness.

So, back to my Google-detective work. I was disheartened at one point to realize that I was not quite eligible to make Aaliyah with my faith in Yeshua... Until May or June 2008, when I read of the recent court ruling regarding non-religious Messianic believers. The first site I read about this on was Derek's blog...

Now there are organizations coming together to offer Masa-sponsored programs (FREE) to offer young Jewish people 5 months of time interning in Israel for free. It's called Israel Service Corps. I have fond memories of meeting Momo in Israel and at Rutgers, so it was fun to see his picture (in an Obama-campaign-inspired graphic no less!) and hear that he's still looking to get the young Jews together to fall in love with Israel and make Jewish babies!

Now... I do wonder how complicated it would be to try to make Aaliyah now that the law has been changed. I've read a number of blog posts about the change, such as this, "The God Blog" on Jewish Journal (now, why don't I have a Jewish Journal blog? How did they get such a gig?). Brad Greenberg describes himself as “a God-fearing Christian with devilishly good Jewish looks,“ and explains a bit about his employment at the Jewish Journal, giving commentary on Judaism and where culture, politics, life, from a Christian point of view. Very neat.

Anyhow... My question has been... How do you make aliyah as a Jewish person who believes in Yeshua? Is it the same as everyone else? Do you need a lawyer to make sure things go through smoothly? What's the deal? I can't google this one on my own, so we'll see what I find out now that I've begun writing to other people/bloggers/etc...

Blessings.

God really does have a plan. Really.

I freaked outand basically felt helpless and hopeless for at least 3 days, then switched to TRYING to believe what I believe, to really believing it... I know God has a plan, I know God has my best interest in mind, why do I doubt?

Part of my deal is, I need explanations, I want guarantees, I want warranties, I want advance notice and I want to know why. And I'd prefer it in writing, on my desk, yesterday, thank you very much.

Life isn't like that.

I'm still growing in this whole "trust" business. I tend to think other people just simply don't care, don't want to do what's required or are out of touch with what is really urgent or needing action or needing a plan or whatever I think it needs.

Then life unfolds, and I see that God has the last laugh and a lot of the time my boyfriend says, "You have to surrender." To which I say, "Well, yeah but-"
No, he insists. He prays, he relies on God, occasionally he gets mad or irritated at something, but with the bigger stuff, at some point he gets back to "Surrender." That means let it go. All of it. God will show what to do. Either way, it's ALL in His hands.

So, here I am: I got a dog handed to me at East Valley shelter, spent about $700 on her, then lost her. Tobiah thinks she was probably swept up by some hip guy in West Hollywood. Judah felt awful and is doing everything he can to get me back to square one... because as I was searching for my lost dog on Craiglist, I noticed someone giving their dog for adoption - and I met Banish & his dog Sioti as a result.

So I saw this little dog, whose face reminded me of Talia, my lost dog - and I thought "Wow, she looks sweet." I wrote the guy giving her up, and told him what happened to my dog. He said it made him sad, and that I sounded like I knew how to take care of a dog (unlike the guys who wrote him saying "I wanna get my girlfriend a little dog. So how much is it?"

The next day, we connected, did some phone tag... he gave her a bath... Tobiah and I drove into the Valley to find his house... he had a really funny stoner-vibe... like his answering machine said "You've reached 251... uh... whatever (beep.)"...Sooo, later that afternoon... I took Sioti home.

The story of Sioti starts with an accident, she was hit by a car and her former owner said some people were just looking at what happened and just being stupid, no one seemed to care that she was hurt. He decided to take her home and take her in. He hasn't been able to keep up her shots or anything. Later, she had a litter of puppies (who were all healthy and lived). Then he went pretty much broke, and thus needed to give her up. I asked her name -
"Sio-dy," he answered.

"Oh, what does that mean?" When I first heard the name, I thought it was something in Native American or something, Sioti, bird-chasing dog.

Then he explained, he plays a lot of Call of Duty, so he named her after the game... "C.O.D." er, okay. Well, I kept it because she knows her name really well and responds to it. I pretend it's actually native american or Himalayan or Finnish or something. like Syodi. She's great at walking with you, love sto snuggle and makes little "talking" noises instead of barking, like those dogs that groan "I wuv you," in doggy-talk on Youtube. All around a doggie upgrade, though Talia obsessively loved me, was super cute and energetic and I loved her a lot - I am keeping my eyes out for her but here I am, thoroughly blessed to have this new little creature sharing life with me.

I just put in her name on google, spelling it "Syodi" and it came up on this totally random Phillipine website about youth slang, "Syodi abas" means "keep it secret/clandestine..." :)

Tasty Faith.

It's been difficult, emotionally, mentally... to accept and trust what's happening with me right now. It's not just my dog, it's other facets of my life too. It's my future, relationships, next steps... However, I know in my heart, I trust God, I want the inside core that knows everything will be all right to realign with the rest of me...

Some scriptures I read tonight on "trust" - now I'm off to bed & snuggling up with Marley for warmth!

Psalm 112:7
He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
Psalms 32:10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the LORD, mercy shall compass him about.
Job 15:31 Let him not trust in emptiness, deceiving himself; for emptiness shall be his reward.
Psalms 34:8 O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

Concordance in one hand, Kozy Shack in the other.

How am I doing? Basically restless, irritable & discontent with intermittent periods of trust, acceptance and pleasantness.

While spending some time out and about in East Brunswick today, I stopped in at Barnes & Noble. I walked out with my first exhaustive concordance. I arrived home and continued my study on "trust" in the bible. I began this project when I found out my dog was lost... Accepting and trusting what was happening without wanting to control as much as possible has been really hard to fight. Here I am, studying the word tonight...

I'm looking at things from Judges, Ruth, Matthew, Mark... Writing notes, studying prayerfully, googling words I don't "get," and spooning Kozy Shack Tapioca here and there... Pausing to discipline the family dog, Marley. She's keen on barking at nothing-in-particular tonight.

"It's not her, it was some other dog," Tobiah relayed to me.
So it's pretty official... I lost my dog, because I left her with my boyfriends brother... while he was asleep in his bedroom, his friend took her out to the grass, came back and then he left her in the living room while he went to the post office. When he came back, she was gone. She'd escaped through a window.

The next day the shelter listed a 2 year old aggressive chihuahua, she was aggressive. Tobiah went to the shelter to see the dog. It was not her...

His brother's super sorry... He's sad and takes responsibility for what happened...

I'm sad too. Sad I left her behind... Sad she won't be there with me anymore. Hoping she found a good home and didn't get hurt or killed.

It just makes me regret so much that decision to leave her, when the only thing holding me back was money.

I just got a text from my roommate...

"Remember, breathe and pray and DO NOT think bad thoughts."

Chihuahua.

Tomorrow I find out whether or not this Chihuahua who was picked up by the Carson shelter is mine or not... So far it seems very likely. I have had a sense of optimism and hope since all the phone calls between the shelter and me, my boyfriend and his brother, the dog sitter from hell. 

I've listed her missing on Craiglist... Registered with the shelter (they didn't call me by the way! I called them the minute I saw a listing for a short haired Chihuahua of 2 years age), had pictures printed so Tobiah can prove it's our dog, if it's our dog... 

Lord, I really hope it's her. I was so very sad on Friday when I found out she was missing. So out of control, so regretful. The two moms I have in my life, Sandi (my Mom-Mom) and Stevie, my boyfriends' mom, said basically the same thing - 'What did you learn?' 

I learned to trust my instincts, my gut and not fear or justification or other people's opinions over that instinct. I knew. I know I knew - and that ripped me up inside. I knew something told me "Keep Talia with you, take her to NJ. Take her, don't leave her here." But I, to be quite honest, was afraid I'd be seen as irrational and I didn't go with that feeling. It was like, I couldn't change my mind. 

Well, I CAN change my mind and I will practice being true to that inner voice next time. 

I'll also get my dog tagged, microchipped, spayed and try to either bring her or suck it up and pay for a reliable dog sitter next time! Lord... have mercy. 

Mercy on my little dog... mercy o me... I hope she makes it and it's her and she gets safely returned to me next week. Mercy, Lord.

 

Jersey.

It took me all of 33 minutes to make it from my family's home in New Jersey to Tania's house in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Of course I drove like an L.A. madwoman, but nevertheless, 33 minutes.

No one in my new home, Santa Clarita says that's where they are from. They say they live in Los Angeles - because it's all Los Angeles County. As if it's the same thing. I would never say I'm from Middlesex County, or New York City. I was born and raised in Jersey. It just seems odd to me. I didn't grow up in a suburb of New York! I grew up in Jersey. Have some respect.

Jersey

Cali & New York

(just be forewarned, they get a little too personal as the comment posts go on)

Once.

I pre-judged this film... I thought it'd glorify a romantic adulterous affair, and I was quite wrong. There was longing and friendship but the longing ended there... While there was delicate ground to tread there was no adulterous act and there were fine boundaries. I enjoyed watching the film with a local - we had an Irishman among us who knew the nooks and crannies of the filming, the streets, the beaches, the hillsides. I appreciated the songwriting and the creative relationships among the people.

Alive.

My friend Pilar looked across the table at me- the things she said were piercing, timely, reminders of what is happening below the surface. Below the blonde California hair, the smile, the skin, the growing sobriety... there's a fear of stepping into my gifts, into exercising whatever muscles they will build. There's a fear that I will never make money doing what I love. A fear that I will have no ideas. That my ideas will be bad. There's the sense that I can do what I see in museums, online, commissions I see in the world. There's a sense that I will never do anything. There's a sense that I am not even fully alive without creating - how can I even do that to myself? It's like a subtle form of self-destruction. Hesitation. Fear. Longing to breath, to write, to create.

I must have room for my heart, my gifts, my art in my life. I must make the space, the time. Nothing stands in my way but lies, fear, hesitancy.

I've been saying this inside since 2003. It's been 6 years. I need out. Out of the fear. I have to write, I have to get free from whatever's holding me back. Lord hear my cry...

Chiahuahua.

I find out tomorrow the status of this dog in the Carson shelter that

Lost.

A couple of weeks ago my brother called me, clearly upset. Within hours after we hashed out our conversation about the disintegrating relationships around him - bad got worse. He came home to study for his math exam to find the family dog (the one he spends the most time with, trains, plays with...) gone. No one knew what happened. It was raining. He went out in the rain, crying her name and trying to find her alone.

Hours later she came in the house through an open door, wet, scraped up, looking as if she'd been caught in something on her back legs. What had precipitated her disappearance was an argument between my brother and mother. The arguing upset her and when she had a chance - she took off scared.

That story had a happy ending.

Thursday morning, part of my preparations for leaving to NYC was to find my dog a safe place to stay for the duration of my trip. My roommate couldn't keep her, my boyfriend couldn't due to his moms' allergies, but his brother agreed to take her in for a nominal fee.

I'm not used to the keen amount of sarcasm that flies between my boyfriends siblings. It doesn't insult as much as confuse me lately. When Tobiah began to explain the need for his brother to crate my very anxious (apart from me she freaks out) little lady chihuahua, he cracked a joke like "You asked me to watch your dog, that's cool - you didn't tell me it was psycho." I got worried. He reassured me it was fine though. It was a joke.

We spent a couple hours there. My dog wouldn't lead my side. I finally got a girl visiting for the evening to feed my dog, Talia, treats until I could make an subtle exit... Then Tobiah, my boyfriend followed moments later. Talia didn't bark of freak out that night.

However, when this guy who was crashing there for the night left for the post office the next day- Talia was loose in the apartment. When Talia found the screen where the electricity was being stolen from the landlords air-conditioning jack - she took off.

I learned all this moments after arriving from my 6 hour flight to JFK in Brooklyn. Stepping into the new Terminal 5 for Jetblue I stopped on a svelte metallic stairway divider and called the animal shelter I had a number for - asking to be connected to the nearest facility near West Hollywood. It's called Carson. I filled a report with a super uninterested-sounding girl... feeling just how regretful and out of control the sadness inside me was. Here I am working on detachment and trusting God and I see its' so clearly out of my hands at this point - but I continued regretting, resenting and bashing myself for the rest of the evening. My gut told me "Take her with you, go home WITH her!" but I rationalized the expense. I could go back for another visit with the money it'd cost to bring her with me!

12/6/08 after checking the LA County animal shelter website every couple of hours for lost/found pet updates, it's there. Chihuahua, 2 years old, Carson shelter. I call immediately. What color is she? Did she have a color? No tags, no microchip. Very aggressive and seems afraid. Sounds like my dog. I see visions of her many attempts to attack mens sneakers, her protective devotion to me and her nervousness around people she doesn't know.

I'm relieved even though I actually don't know if it's her. I call my bofyriend to tell the former dog-sitter to watch her. Can't do anything yet, no proof that she's our dog - the proof is stuck in my digital camera and in the vaccination records I have for her with my address on them... Thankfully my mailing address is the same as my boyfriends though I don't live there... It may make things simpler...

The deep sadness I was feeling lifts, just at the possibility, though not definite. Tobiah calls the shelter. He says it sounds like her, scared, aggressive. Judah calls, says the same thing. Her nose turns up, like Talias. No picture... means she's injured or dead. No more information can be released without proof she's ours.

I sit here with my family's beagle/terrier (pictured above) snuggled in my lap. Missing my dog and hoping she's alive and safe. This has been way harder than I ever though it would be!

i have no possible idea how to transfer this blog to my domain, vanessadouglas.com. oh well. time to start blogging anyway.

so, i live in santa clarita, california. it's part of LA. everyone here says they are from LA, it's not like New Jersey. where i come from, we're from Jersey. New York City is an 45 minutes away, but that doesn't lump us in with it, you know? not here. everyone south of San Luis Obisbo is probably "from LA." odd.

another funny thing - the use of the word "trip" is just out of control. it's used for everything from something that's good/cool/interesting, to something that's terrible/frightening/dramatic -it's all dependent on context. "He called me one week, the next I know he committed suicide, what a trip."
"This place is trippy!"
"I'm trippin! Look at that red Vespa!"

Anyway... more soon.

Criscilla Crossland brought the "Everything" skit to the Carnival Choreographers' Ball in West Hollywood, Los Angeles, CA... And I didn't think that performance could get any better!

I find it really inspiring to see Christians in the entertainment industry who are both sharing their faith and simply pursuing excellence in their craft. It's really encouraging, really. Crissila's actually the dance ministry leader at the Dream Center in Los Angeles now, too...

I hope God just continues to work through her life in the industry and out.